After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him. You know, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"
Monday, December 24, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.” “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?” “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”
Monday, November 26, 2007
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says...... The man replies...
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have vagina".......
"Yes" she says...... The man replies...
"Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"
One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents
room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent
over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad
saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the
dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled,
'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its YOUR mom is it?!'
room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent
over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad
saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.
He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the
dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled,
'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'
Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its YOUR mom is it?!'
Friday, November 02, 2007
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Monday, October 29, 2007
For Mike...
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
“screeched.”
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters
“mt”.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.
The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the
English language.
“Underground” is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters “und.”
There are only four words in the English language which end
in”-dous” tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary,
is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimau
ngahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula” and can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.It was eliminated
when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have
the same pattern of whiskers.
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the
book ‘The Naked Lunch’.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses
II who fathered over 160 children.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
“therein” the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
John Larroquette of “Night Court” and “The John Larroquette
Show” was the narrator of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw
up.The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
it’s mouth.Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the
stomach’s contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully
ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence “Oz.”
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
To “testify” was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles.
The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different
ways.The following sentence contains them all “A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.
The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase
“Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of lore when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled
on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
“screeched.”
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters
“mt”.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
The symbol on the “pound” key (#) is called an octothorpe.
The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a tittle.
Ingrown toenails are hereditary.
The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the
English language.
“Underground” is the only word in the English language that
begins and ends with the letters “und.”
There are only four words in the English language which end
in”-dous” tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
The longest word in the English language, according to the
Oxford English Dictionary,
is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.
The longest place-name still in use is
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimau
ngahoronukupokaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles’s full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la
Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula” and can be
abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, “L.A.”
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisments, including newspapers, the time displayed
on a watch is 10:10.
Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.It was eliminated
when he was sewn up after surgery.
Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.
Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have
the same pattern of whiskers.
Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the
book ‘The Naked Lunch’.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses
II who fathered over 160 children.
There is a seven letter word in the English language that
contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters,
“therein” the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.
Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
John Larroquette of “Night Court” and “The John Larroquette
Show” was the narrator of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra’s “Its A Wonderful Life”
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw
up.The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
it’s mouth.Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the
stomach’s contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully
ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.
The male gypsy moth can “smell” the virgin female gypsy moth
from 1.8 miles away.
The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.
The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the
creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z,
hence “Oz.”
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
To “testify” was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a
statement made by swearing on their testicles.
The combination “ough” can be pronounced in nine different
ways.The following sentence contains them all “A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough;
after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.”
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct
order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”
Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the
Australian coat of arms for that reason.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten.
The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase
“Shah Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
of lore when the engines were pulled by horses.The horses were stabled
on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight
staircases.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
From Kansas City!
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for a dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
From Kansas City!
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for a dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
It is amazing still the things that kids do..Kelly had a conversation on MSN last week with another girl from school who is 12 , now I had already heard some things that this girl has said that were not apppropriate for a 12 year old so I told kelly we did not feel comfortable with her hanging around with this kid. There is a nother Girl Daniele that is a mutual freind to both and I guess she mentioned to the 12 year old that Kelly was not to hang around her. Last Friday after school Kel was on MSN and the 12 year old contacted her. To make thngs more confusing Daniele does not have a computer but some how could talk to both of them on the phone at the same time. The 12 year old started off calling Kelly fatty Ho and syaing the other girl did not like her now and the message became some of the most wierd shit how she was going to break into Danieles house and rape her and make her pregnant and all the time denying it was her while she continued to type on MSN.Long story short Danieles Mother went to the school Monday and had a meeting with the Principal and the three girls where the 12 year old still denied it was her and she did not know who was using her MSN. (she had taken on the name Alex and said he was 18 years old but the spelling mistakes that were constant you know there was noone else) That evening Jeannine and I went to her parents and she finally admitted it was her and she meant it as a joke. I felt a little sorry afterwords because it was easy to see the home environment was not the best. The father belittled her saying he thought he had a good daughter but was wrong and she should be glad the police werent called because she had seen how bad it was the previous week when the police hauled him out the house and she should have known it would not be good if they had to come for her. The other thing is Daniele was so scared because of the conversation the 12 year old went to her house and spent the night so she would feel better....
Boy it is tough trying to protect your kids but Kelly handled it well
Boy it is tough trying to protect your kids but Kelly handled it well
Saturday, September 22, 2007
I guess the thought of fall and the cooler weather may prompt a few to start blogging again. Not a bad summer a few family camping trips a pig roast and the garbage can turkey camping trip still to look forward to. Put a new roof on the house last week so good to go for another 30 years.Went to my first Ti-Cat game in I dont know how many years with Jeannine and Norm and Nancy on Printers debut was not a good experience left after the 3rd quarter.... Good to see the blogging action happening again mike does not have to credit me for the maple leaf items (I am sure I sent them to him) and will bechecking back on a regular basis.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
THAT'S ONE WAY TO LAUNCH A BOAT!!!> >> >> >> > 65' Custom Built Motoryacht, three staterooms, GPS navigation, twin > > supercharged diesels, etc. = $ 2.5 million> >> > Crane and Rigging complete with 'faulty' turnbuckle = $2,500 per > > hour> >> > Champagne and Strawberries, dockside, for the excited 'soon to be > > owners' = $250.00> >> >> > Watching your dream boat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by > > two corporate representatives just prior to 'inking' the final > > paperwork........> >> >> > Priceless..............................
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Lawyer Feeds The Hungry
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a
57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly and she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly and she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Government jobs ?? I always liked this one nothing personal Karl....
A guy goes to the Canadian Passport Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M "The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in your coming in for that."
A guy goes to the Canadian Passport Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes, 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."The interviewer tells the guy, "OK I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M "The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in your coming in for that."
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Even after you see it, it is still hard to believe ! WaterBridge in Germany . What a feat! Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long.......now this is engineering! This is a channel-bridge over the River Elbe and joins the former East and West Germany , as part of the unification project. It is located in the city of Magdeburg, near Berlin. The photo was taken on the day of inauguration. To those who appreciate engineering projects, here's a puzzle for you armchair engineers and physicists. Did that bridge have to be designed to withstand the additional weight of ship and barge tr affic, or just the weight of the water? Answer: It only needs to be designed to withstand the weight of the water! Why? A ship always displaces an amount of water that weighs the same as the ship, regardless of how heavily a ship may be loaded.
I sent this out as an e-mail to a few people and got 1 response asking whether or not it is real....
I dont know if it is but would be cool to see.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
This is a follow up to my blog from April 2 and my carpet concerns..well tuesday morning I went to the carpet store and i did snap I told them I was sick of being dicked around and I wanted the carpet out of our house. I left the store and they came out after me begging me to talk after I yelled some more he said he would get right on it. Well this morning they showed up and agreed the carpet is coming out and will be replaced the rep from the manufacturer is coming tomorrow morning and when I again asked if it was being replaced 1 guy said to see what the rep said and the other guy quickly replied no he will change it and they will worry about fighting with the manufacturer so now we wait again but at least something is going to happen....
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
things people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
An oldie but a goodie.....
Two guys from Sudbury die and wake up in hell.
The next day thedevil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them,"What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well,you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decidesthat these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas,toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here,can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're justhappy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys.
He cranks the heatup as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere.He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. Thedevil is astonished,
"Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Sudbury so we've just got tohave a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; peopleare shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan,and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with thetwo Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas,toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The two Canadians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!!!"
Two guys from Sudbury die and wake up in hell.
The next day thedevil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them,"What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well,you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decidesthat these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas,toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here,can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're justhappy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys.
He cranks the heatup as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere.He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. Thedevil is astonished,
"Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Sudbury so we've just got tohave a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; peopleare shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan,and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with thetwo Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas,toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The two Canadians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!!!"
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Mike might enjoy this...
Subject: Breton HumourThe day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, in Ingonish a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.
Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-Five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.
"Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" >
The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Subject: Breton HumourThe day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, in Ingonish a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.
We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.
Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-Five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.
"Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" >
The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Monday, April 02, 2007
Have not talked about the basement lately which may have pleased some but it is time....Everything started off real good when the repairs finally got started but have really slowed down. The first crew to come in did a fantastic job on the drywall and trim and such when they were done it was time for the painters, they did a pretty good job for most of it but Jess's room is a disaster they primed it and put three coats of the wierd green she wanted but it looks terrible (not the colour ? but the job they did) then the flooring. The first part was excellent the tile in the laundry room and carpet in Jess's room look great. Unfortunately they sent a different guy for the main room. After he left on the first day I went down and looked and there was a real visible seam across the whole room when I mentioned it the next i was told dont worry it will blend in. Well I called and complained and they were supposed to send someone last Friday to look but they ended up cancelling until Today. I was worried that I was being too critical so I showed the downstairs to a few people without mentioning my concerns and the first thing they saw was the seam so I knew I was right. Anyway the guy from the flooring place showed up this morning and as soon as he got halfway down the stairs he started shaking his head and admitted it was terrible. I first had called the flooring place and was told to vacuum it a few times and it would probably be ok and when he admitted it looked like shit I told him if he had mentioned vacuuming i was ready to fucking snap. Anyway we now have to wait for this to be resolved so I am getting very frustrated with people and may end up snapping yet.....All for now Bye
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
The Flight Attendant
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful
woman, sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so
gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered
the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought
to himself, "Nope, not Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned
toward her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself,
and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the? United? slogan, "I would really love to fly your
friendly skies?"
This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...."Ahhh,
Air Canada !"
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful
woman, sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so
gorgeous she must be a flight attendant.
But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered
the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought
to himself, "Nope, not Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned
toward her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself,
and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the? United? slogan, "I would really love to fly your
friendly skies?"
This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the fuck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...."Ahhh,
Air Canada !"
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I dont know if I ever mentioned it before but I did purchase a sirius satellite radio back in January and it is everything I thought it would be. I listen to Nascar quite a bit but the Howard 100 and 101 channels are fantastic. The Howard Stern show is better than ever even though there are no restrictions on language it is not nearly as bad as you might expect. The channel 101 content has some great shows I am listening to Bubba the love sponge as I type this and these guys are F@**%ng wild. There is a Raw dog comedy channel that has me laughing out loud all by myself in the car quite often..One of the main reasons I got it is I have a drive of almost 1 hour each way to work and radio stations are hard to pick up and I am tired of Gallaugher and 107 even though maureen in the morning is hillarious considering she has to put up with John. Anyway if you go online at sirius you can get a free trial give it a shot....
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
The comments are getting slow to come and some are not very positive so I am thinking I will have to do 1 of 2 things either turn off the comments or go to a simple way of commenting...for instance it could be having a number assigned to a generic comment like a phone message ...Type 1 if you like this blog..Type 2 if you dont like this blog ...type 3 if you dont like certain parts of this blog...Type 4 if you are just an asshole (reserved for Karl )...Type 5 if you are not sure what I am looking for and I should be happy you took time out of your busy schedule to at least check it out..... ( I should try to get one of those trackers so I know who is lurking) any way feed back would be appreciated......
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish."Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?""Yes", answers the executioner."Can I have that green banana?"The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it."Can I go then?", the man asks."I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner."Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling."What's your final wish?", asks the executioner."Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark."I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.”Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"
Saturday, March 03, 2007
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in CanadaWell, there's a very simple answer.Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low .The reason for that is purely geographical.Our OIL is located in
Alberta, Newfoundland, Saskatchewan & B.C.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA , ONTARIO
Alberta, Newfoundland, Saskatchewan & B.C.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA , ONTARIO
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
A `heads up' for you and any friends you have who may be regular Costco customers. Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get the family's groceries has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it could not happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th and again just yesterday and very likely next weekend. Again - please be aware.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Little Tony
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that Called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that Called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Well things are finally starting to come together in the basement. The 2 guys that are doing the work have been great have done a couple of xtra repairs that have been needed since last time and actually take a lot of pride in their work have bought them a few coffees and told them I will either take then out for lunch next week or order it in I think that helps a little bit. Anyway her are a couple of pictures of the rebuilt fireplace which actuall was rebuilt by the guy that did it in the first place so chances were we would be happy with it....
Saturday, February 03, 2007
A Newfie is out in the bay in his row boat.Suddenly a speed boat passes by and creates huge waves causing the newfie's oars to fall >overboard!He is stranded... floating out in the middle of the bay!After about 2 hours, he sees another row boat coming with a man and two women in it.He decides to yell to the oncoming boat, "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars?The other Newfie yells back, "Dey ain't oars, you ignorant Bastard...dat's me mudder and me sister. "
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
On Dec 1 2006 we had a flood in the basement and I am so F*CK*** frustrated it is not funny. However here it is Jan. 31 and finally people are showing up to put our house back together. The guys doing the drywall and general contracting stuff were here today and Saturday the fireplace gets rebuilt. There will be pictures because I have nothing else to Blog about and maybe when all is completed we can get a bunch of people together to break in the new basement.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
I like this one.....
A Canadian Soldier was attending some university courses between
deployments.
He had completed tours in Bosnia, and just returned from Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The Lecture room fell silent.
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm
still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his
chair, went up to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the
platform.
The professor was out cold.
The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Soldier and asked,
What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied,
"God was too busy today protecting Canada's Soldiers who are protecting
your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole, so He sent me."
A Canadian Soldier was attending some university courses between
deployments.
He had completed tours in Bosnia, and just returned from Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The Lecture room fell silent.
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm
still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his
chair, went up to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the
platform.
The professor was out cold.
The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Soldier and asked,
What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Soldier calmly replied,
"God was too busy today protecting Canada's Soldiers who are protecting
your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole, so He sent me."
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Mike should like this...
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that
she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the
holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that
when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh
Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you
Jews, you're so good to your help."
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that
she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the
holiday when you light the candles?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that
when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh
Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."
The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you
Jews, you're so good to your help."
Friday, January 12, 2007
been a while just a quick joke ...
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?!"
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?!"
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